Dear Dategirl,
My newish boyfriend is super into assplay—rimming, specifically. Because I was explicit with my boundaries from the beginning of our relationship, there’s no talk of slipping his frankly-too-large penis up my bunghole, but I hadn’t even considered that someone would want to wiggle their tongue around up there. I don’t mind it, but it’s not something I’d go out of my way to seek out either. In fact, he was supposed to come over today and I was actually relieved he didn’t because I woke up gassy, and I wasn’t sure I could hold it.
The big issue is that I haaaaaate reciprocating! I put it off as often as I can, but when I do get around to it, he is plenty clean enough and it’s fine, but he gets so relaxed that it releases a PLUME of shit-taste into my mouth and I start DYING. It’s horrible.
My question is, how much do I owe him? Do I really need to do this? I would be perfectly content if he decided he would no longer prid without the pro quo, but I get the sense that this he really gets off on it. Help!
—Dainty Dame
What you’re asking is if you should continue to encourage your boyfriend to fart in
your mouth. And yes, I say “encourage” because by going on gamely, that’s what
you’re doing. It doesn’t sound like you’ve discussed the matter. Do you think he’s
unaware that he’s hissing out shitspray? I mean . . . maybe? I guess. . . but if someone
had their tongue up my pooper, I’d be hyperaware and that sphincter would be on
some serious lockdown.
But(t) admittedly, I am beyond squeamish when it comes to tonguing the Hershey
highway, so I asked Rachel Kramer Bussel to weigh in. Rachel is the editor of Baby
Got Back: Anal Erotica, so she knows what she’s talking about. “If she’s not into it,
they should of course discuss what they do and don’t like about the act and perhaps
they can find a compromise,” she suggests.
“Maybe she applies some lube and touches him there instead, or maybe she kisses
and/or licks nearby, such as his buttocks. Rim jobs are definitely not everyone’s cup
of tea, so never expect or demand one, and don’t give one just because you want one
back. Reciprocation doesn’t have to mean an exact quid pro quo but can be about
doing something else that also feels right. ”
Try swapping out your tongue for a well-lubed buttplug.
Unlike your tongue, that’ll actually make contact with his prostate, which he should enjoy.
It sounds like he’s quite the goer, so hopefully he isn’t one of those tiresome guys
who get all gay-panicked at the thought of something vaguely penis-shaped sliding
up his butt.
The bottom line is, if you hate doing it, stop. It’s not like you just outright
refused—you tried it on several occasions and decided that eating farts isn’t your
thing. No court in the world would hold that against you.
Dear Dategirl,
I’m 24 and recently started dating a guy who just turned 30. On paper, he is the total package—great job, successful, funny, smart, etc. But his bedroom skills are a bit lacking and I feel crazy and shallow for thinking that this is a total dealbreaker. I have always been highly sexed, but I find myself coming up with excuses not to go home with him. I’m just being shallow, right?
—Shallow Gal
At this point in your tender young relationship you should be annoying everyone
around you with your incandescent post-sex glow and appalling coworkers by
wearing the same outfit you left in the day before. You should be maxing out your
credit card at Kiki De Montparnasse, and drifting off at meetings, remembering his tongue
buried deep in your asshole (Okay, maybe not that). You shouldn’t
be making excuses to go home to your cat and a Lean Cuisine.
In short, this is the best your sex life is ever going to be with this guy. You can try
broaching the topic and teaching him how to be a better loverman, but if you’re
not feeling it, don’t force it.
Got a burning question? Dategirl has your answer. dategirl@stackeddmagazine.com
