As a teacher of sex ed to kids of all ages around the Bay Area, Miss K receives anonymous questions from her kids that could seem cringe-worthy at first. After all, it’s a bit disturbing to think a teenager is wondering what it means to “suck someone up,” when some of his or her peers aren’t even sure what the biological function of each hole is.
When given a little contemplation, however, the bright slips of paper that Miss K gets often reflect a broader issue about how we’re brought up to think about sex—and how that might’ve (mis)informed what we think about it now.
Over the coming weeks, we’ll talk with Miss K about the most noteworthy queries she’s received to see if we can get to the, erm, nut of the problem that these kids are getting at.
1. Is it normal? Is fisting yourself normal?
Miss K: I always tell my students to never yuck someone’s yum. The high majority of people wouldn’t be able to physically do that to themselves, though.
thursty: I once learned from a drag queen about the “round of applause,” which is when you build up to fist someone—you get just the tips of each hand in the anus and clap a little bit to open it up, and that that’s just part of the process. Do you think someone could do that?
Miss K: I haven’t heard of that, but I don’t think you could “round of applause” yourself. I’d say start a finger at a time and work your way up with LOTS and LOTS of lube. The high majority of people aren’t flexible enough to even do that to themselves, though. For me, I might be able to do it.
thursty : Would you go under your hips or around the back?
Miss K: I don’t know. It’s kind of like sucking your own dick. Some people can do it, but the majority cannot. It’s very normal, just most people wouldn’t be able to. As long as you take your way slowly and carefully, why not?
2. If a guy goes in dry to the anus, can his penis get de-gloved (skin removal)?
Miss K: Um… no. The skin would not come off of the penis by going in dry. However, his skin might be VERY irritated. Wetter is always better.
His partner might also not like him going in dry because that can be very painful, and anytime you’re having anal sex, it’s good to have some lube around. The anus, while it makes its own rectal fluids, doesn’t make a lot of lubrication.
thursty: What if you go in dry with a condom? Would it be dry enough to get stuck in there?
Miss K: The condom could possibly fall off, just with the friction. Again, it’s always good to use lube with condoms as long as it’s water-based or silicone-based lubrication and not oil-based, which can cause holes to form in the latex and holes will form a lot easier.
thursty: I always seem to forget that crucial bit about oil-based condoms… oops.
Miss K: In my classes we do this exercise where we inflate two condoms and have the kids come up and rub baby oil one one and water-based lube on another, and they start rubbing them, and the oil one pops within a few seconds. The kids love it.
3. Can guys use the pull-out method and not get the bitch pregnant?
Miss K: If used correctly, the pullout method works 100% of the time. However, this is one of those methods that is very easy to not use correctly. You might be planning on pulling out, but when the time comes, he may not, because it just feels too good. If he just shoots his load all in there, then the bitch might get pregnant!
thursty: What about pre-cum, that won’t get her pregnant, right?
Miss K: I tell my kids that it could, just as a precaution, but in reality, if the male pees before he has sex, that’s usually enough to wipe all the sperm away. If he’s recently ejaculated and he goes back for round two without peeing beforehand, then there might still be sperm cells in there that could get her pregnant. It’s a very small chance, but there still is a chance.
4. Can you get sick from truffle butter?
Miss K: Yes. Any time feces is getting inside someone’s mouth, there is a chance of an infection. It might not be an STI. However, HIV can be passed through rectal fluids. Getting that in your mouth, there’s a super low chance of actually passing it on—someone would need to have a cut in their mouth for it to get into their blood stream—but there could be other infections that pass.
Poop is supposed to come out of your body, and if you’re putting it back in your body, yes, you can get sick from that.
thursty: What about “Two Girls, One Cup” style? The girls were eating poop in that… Do you think they got sick?
Miss K: They probably did, yeah. You weren’t seeing them the next day, and I doubt they were feeling too good after that.
5. Could a fetus get pregnant, and then the fetus inside that fetus get pregnant, like Russian nesting dolls?
Miss K: No. Just… no. Sperm aren’t going to get into the amniotic sac, so it wouldn’t even be able to get into the fetus’ body, let alone impregnate one.
thursty: Aren’t you not supposed to have sex after a certain point in pregnancy?
Miss K: Not really. If it’s too rough, I guess there’s a possibility of the woman hurting herself, but having sex while pregnant is OK. Even when women are very close to labor, it’s fine. There are actually myths that having sex can speed up the process. Or even make it so when she does give birth that it’s not as painful.
She wouldn’t want to have anal sex, though. There’s a higher chance that she could get a UTI from poop getting in her vagina. You just don’t really want to mess with the butt if you want to avoid getting an infection.
by Sean Pyles