Originally Ran Feb. 2, 2015
Listen up, ladies! It’s hard enough leaving the house with everything you need in your purse, much less with a writhing brood of live snakes. While I wish I could travel freely without dwelling on society’s standards (yuck!), I know that my pack of wild snakes won’t always be welcomed with open arms.
I’m here to tell you that women can have it all, and that includes your precious family of slithering, limbless reptiles! Many modern women face tremendous societal pressure associated with owning and loving a brood of possibly venomous snakes. I’m here to tell you that it’s not so hard! Just remember these handy set of tips when you’re out and about, and in no time you’ll be a savvy, glamorous snake wrangler like all your favorite celebs!
Second date: So you scored a total cutie and you’re out on a second date dinner. Seems like a great time to introduce him to your pack of wild snakes, right? Actually, no! Some guys get freaked out by commitment, while others are scared of being attacked by a clandestine group of live reptiles. Hold out for another few dates to gain his trust and you’ll be enjoying your snakes together in no time.
Company lunch: You’ve settled in with your salad for the company briefing and think that maybe releasing two or three of your snakes might go unnoticed. While this may be true, it’s better to play it safe and keep your snakes to yourself. It’s a challenging world out there for assertive women in the workplace, and letting your coworkers know that you possess, much less actively carry, wild snakes on your person might “rock the boat.”
Response to Cat-Callers: Let ‘em loose! Like all women, I love receiving compliments from friendly men on the street, whether it be an invitation to a private party or an unsolicited comment about my ass. I never know how to properly thank these strangers, so I’ve found that unleashing my wild snakes is the perfect solution. As your pack of angry, charging snakes makes their way toward the unwitting man on the street, you’ll never forget the look of gratitude and appreciation on his face!
Yoga: Every girl needs her moment of zen, and yoga is a great way to feel at peace while shedding pesky extra calories. You might think that downward facing dog might be a reasonable opportunity to let your wild snakes slink through the yoga studio. While the snakes definitely enjoy this (my little guys simply love that soothing relaxation playlist), your instructor might not appreciate the gesture. Check with your class before bringing your snakes — different studios have different rules!
Ladies’ Night: As the old saying goes, “snakes love company,” so why not invite over your best gal pals, tell them to bring their broods of live snakes, and turn up the Beyoncé! It sure beats another night watching Netflix in your sweatpants. If you decide to crank it up a notch and head out to the club, leave your wild snakes at home. Harsh club music and LED strobe lights tend to anger snakes, and you want to be sure this is a night you’ll never forget!
Pike/Pine: After meeting a friend for a late dinner on Capitol Hill, you decide to grab a drink at a nearby bar. Narrowly avoiding a street brawl, a vomiting techbro, and a backed-up line of impatient Uber drivers, it dawns on you that you possess a restless group of live snakes in your purse. It’s Friday night at the corner of Pike & Pine and you’ve had enough. Unleash your brood of live snakes. You’ve come a long way, baby.